maandag 15 augustus 2011

Ties needing to be purified

Ties needing to get purified.

It was in those days of the Vietnam war, where the seemingly strongest army in the world destroyed the daily life of the Vietnamese people. End of the fifties of the 20th century that process already started, you know the age when the Belgians build their Atomium in Brussels, that was to become the capital of Europe. Observer followed basic school. The ruins of the war were cleaned up and mainly there was a strange silence about that war. The traditional religious education and what happened in the times of the old Roman empire were more important in school then what had happened a decade ago. Observer found some of those ancient stories quite good for a part, but there were things missing in them or not correct. He wanted to give the old culture some credit, but he liked most searching for his own truth, while with his eyes a bit closed he watched the sun penetrating the window of the classrooms he spend the first part of his life partly in…he loved that bundle of rays penetrating his subjective world that looked for connections with the objective realities around him. The message that religion seemed to have, was that a human being had to be almost perfect, like if that mister God did not tolerate imperfection…wasn’t it the other way round sometimes ? He Himself, ‘God’, did not tolerate imperfection. One could not point a finger at his shortcomings : eternally good, eternally charitable, eternal this and that.

How could this be ? Everything came to an end, every school day, every live. Nobody understand the meaning of it all. One could not go to deep into this, one had to obtain points to pass each year to the next study year. There were the friends in the village and school, family…just making one’s way into life, the ‘practical’ life was one part of existence. The connection between life and dead; wasn’t that something for priests ? The score of ‘who owns what, was kept by the office of notary. The state of being ill or not was the task of doctors and pharmacists.

Who that was entitled on having a job or income, was a cause for politicians and companies; or with a bit of luck one had his own little independent occupation. But in what condition one’s soul life was, not calculating the former things in this condition, independent from material things (if that was by any means possible), was one’s own concern, measurable by the fact of feeling happy now and then and doing what one was doing and doing it with the people one liked. Not a lot of people were able to look in to their own soul or even less in the souls of others. One could share one’s soul life with someone, but it sometimes led to complications one had to understand again and again…because of the fact that the past of everyone, even before one was born, seemed to be continuously looking for a way to purify itself. The past was working it’ s way through the present regardless of the distance one was able take towards that past . So it seemed that over the border of dead things in the past and present were influenced by both ‘stories’.

As a little boy, Observer stood with his grandmother near the bed where Huske’s wife was dying, an old bent little farmer with almost a dozen children. Observer’s mother went to give the cows of her father in law to drink on the farmyard of Huske and Marieke it was, if Observer remembered her name correctly. The wife of Huske, yes indeed it was Marieke, was a soft one. As pipe smoking Huske often walked with his hands behind his back on the street, he used to tell Huske something funny sometimes. Much reason to laugh he hadn’t if one knew what troubles he had with his children and those ones with theirs. Observer didn’t knew at the time that it is not because someone seems happy and tells funny stories, that he is very happy and wise and has had a life where nothing was to blame him or her.

Without knowing it, there at that bed of the dying Marieke, (or, wait a minute, was it Huske ?) he stood at the beginning of a long journey through human psyche. The sister of Huske would be, or in fact already was (can be important energetically spoken) the grandmother of the later wife of Observer. The first child from Bertha, so Observer heard, the sister of Huske, was not from her later husband with whom she would have another 3 children…this could explain the later unrest in relations between that first son of Bertha and the other children. Dough being pregnant from another man, Livine married Bertha any way…so Bertha married into the same family name as Observer had. Al dough Livine was not closely genetic related to the boy who was going to have 3 children with the daughter of his second son.

The first ‘love’ Observer would have, was 18 and then 3 year older than him and under the tones of one of those to melancholic and emotional tango-songs, he would feel his Willy’s urge on reacting on their movements. The young woman was a the daughter of the first son of Bertha (Huske’s sister remember, Huske the man with a dozen children in a house to small). Observer thought about that day when his grandmother Clothilde and his mother and he as a little boy stood around the bed of the then dying person when they came to get water for the cattle…can the software of energies who died, still have an influence on events over generations ? Or was it their ‘God’ where practically almost alone the priest talked about, that was busy trying to write a scenario to give the past away rest and some of the living one’s happiness and conflicts as well to purify the past ? Or wasn’t every move one and didn’t the living in the present ones just played the roles whom they simply had to play because of their character and inner being; the roles which they played accordingly to their own nature and that of the ones who proceeded them maybe for a large part were their own fate.

Can one take over energy from someone who is dying and can that energy become part of yours ? He did not knew it yet, but on all his conscious and unconscious questions he would get an answer one day. Why did Observer’s mother stood by that bed of that little old bony old lady…because the fact that his mother also had a nephew and niece with a hump like Huske ? A child of Huske’s son had a water on the brain head like the sister of a women Observer would meet later on, after his divorce. Why would his mother also would end with legs she could not bent or spread anymore because off the hard working in her life ? Maybe the latter was too far away from making useful comparisons or connections, but there were remarkable observations to be made in life. Did one carry partly the same fate as certain with the partly the same features and if one was too compassionate one would get too involved with these developments…adding them to a part of the fate of others in one’s environment ? The Church preached to have compassion…but taking all the burdens from the ones who suffer in any way, without giving them the change to accept the truth of their lives and growing more on their own strength…was that kind of philosophy preferable to keeping a distance from genetic obstructions and looking for stronger partners in life ?

In the bus on a voyage with the youth movement followed the giving hands and feeling with Gaby, (ga-go-pass-by) the niece of Huske. In fact Observer found her legs a bit too large. They forgot each other’s first experiments and the sympathetic women not long afterwards, married an even cheerful man as Huske. In Huske’s genetic baggage or in that of his women or their ancestors, there is a gene present that gives children a water head or a leg tat is a bit to small or great or a hump. Huske’s grandchild had a water head and a niece of his a leg that was shorter as the other. It was not clear to Observer, from what he was been told, if the boy with the water head was intelligent…so why was he put in an institution, because off his appearance ? The man with the large head did not have a long life. Another family member of Huske was called heshe, because it was not sure which sexuality heshe had, strong as a man, but officially a women.

Huske’s sister Bertha married when she was pregnant of who know who ? It was, like mentioned before, someone with the same family name as Observer, but not closely related, the later grandfather of Observers wife on the family side of her father. That altruistic man took the change of sharing partly the genetic risks involved in marrying Bertha and taking care of her first son that wasn’t his. The grandfather of Observer, on his father’ s side, played a mediating role in this marriage. In the village where they lived he was known to conciliate people with relation problems, or not seldom was he called in to help resolve quarrels between people or lay the dead off. “You are going to have a good wife, never mind if she is a bit in panic because off the fact that she is pregnant already”, he said both to the real or unreal fathers. That was where that bible was partly about, wasn’t it ? The holy Mary was pregnant of the holy Ghost (no child comes in too this world without a reason)…and Joseph accepted responsibility.

So, after a few platonic loves, Observer , still a virgin at 16, went to engage himself with the after niece of Huske. She did not have her ‘flower’ any more, he felt while penetrating while sitting on him in that chair in her room and watching her intensively on his first ‘visit’ in her not so sacred place. He did not meet the resistance that was mentioned in biological books while she let herself downwards. She couldn’t have met a better boy to understand the situation, he did not care so much about it when she said to him that she had not done it with another boy…some women lose their hymen (hey men-joke) riding on a horse for example, he had read somewhere and told so…much to the satisfaction off his girlfriend. Observer did not yet know what jealousy was and his girl, Traum, had a Trauma, which she was trying to hide, because the next time they met she told him a story about some blood stains she found in her underwear. He had smiled with her explanation…and he should not have…because it would hunt her , not him the rest of her life.

She searched and found a way to tell him what her father Selfish had done with her…without telling the complete story around it. It seemed unimaginable to him that a father could do such a thing, that such a thing could exist…so he pushed it away as one does with stories one does not like. Only a years later he would realize what an enormous and gigantic task life had given to him. What a pain full situation it must have been for her, being involved in a physical love triangle with one’s parents. Listening at night how he did ‘it’ with her mother as well in the room with one wall in between. Trying to attract attention in an abnormal way and learning how to lie, one can learn quick in life. Observer did not understand in those days why people told lies to each other. How was she to escape from the feeling of being ‘less’ than other children ? By behaving a bit like boys between girls ? People, children can push away to their unconsciousness some things in life, with the risk that that what not came in too an open discussion with the originators of malicious deeds, can become too heavy to carry in life. Difficult side consequences started to build up because the victim, Traum(a) in a certain way, could not make a difference between her father and an innocent man, Observer in her case…he was a man as well and man do terrible things. Unsolved emotions destroy a lot in lives…whether a girl keeps on cultivating a guilty feeling towards her mother and allows her to dominate her or whether other examples of adults or children who are dominated by sex without mutual agreement. Our culture does not realize enough that a great deal of suffering and even disease, is the consequence of generation stories seeking to be purified by stronger blood, steadfast attitudes…in order to overcome weakening frustrations.

Observer was a good lad, with an important degree of softness inside, bold as he could be in other situations. He was often trying to live himself in in to how other people were. This capacity of his was so enormous, that he, as a boy, let a ten year older man do things with him, he himself as being so young, was not attracted to. This maybe was the reason why he and Trauma understood each other and could talk about this for a while, before they pushed this issue away from them as ‘resolved’. Trauma would convey her secret after Observer told his. They both seemed to have put those stories about the genetic and educational sad things behind them, but in fact they kept on infiltrating. The shadow of the past was so big, also because of the story of Trauma’s mother her parents and their past. The father of her mother had married her after she got pregnant after a rape…so also in this case that father (which was a cousin of her mother) had started off in the same way in a marriage as Trauma’s grandfather on her father’s side had). The funny, but not so funny thing is that that grandfather (Livine) his son would end up marrying a wife whose father was in the same case, as explained. Why things happen according to those strange rules ? Why did Observers mother in law and all the brother and sisters the cousin and his niece had in that (also) to little house…did not show more respect for the decision of their father to help his niece…maybe to show that man that one does not have to have too much compassion as to where those wrongly called ‘love’-things are concerned. Idealism and romance and poetry…and so on …values Observer tried to hold high…live did not always seem to use or follow these paths alone.
To be continued

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